For all of August and even in September, I often lamented to myself on repeat, “I just want my life back.” I wanted it back immediately — going to parties and events most nights of the week, socializing in crowds, being my extroverted self. Of course, I had to learn some valuable lessons the hard way, and that meant sitting quietly with myself.
All of the therapy, meditation, yoga, sex, medication, puppies, Netflix, and loved ones in the world won’t “fix it” unless you look at yourself in a proverbial mirror for an uncomfortably long time. Just as we experience our respective consciousness alone, and as we enter and exit this life alone, we must face our fears and process our anxiety on our own. Not to say that this approach fully “fixes” anything, of course — some people are biologically predisposed to chronically suffer from all manner of mental illness. But fear is the root of all anxiety, and unless we acknowledge and sit with our fears, our anxiety isn’t going anywhere.
So, I stopped fighting my anxiety, my hypersensitivity and my exhaustion. I let my deepest fears — unpredictability, instability, impermanence, loss, loneliness, death — show up in front of me. Strangely, once I named those fears, they showed up in my life. A break-up. Later, the death of a dear friend’s mother from cancer. And most recently, the election.*
Three Saturdays ago, I spent the morning with a 6-year-old at a well-attended 5k and fun run event. That night, I threw on a Halloween costume and danced to “The End of the World As We Know It” at a crowded party with a loud live band. I looked around my life that night and realized that it was back. Just like that, when I wasn’t looking and had stopped grasping so desperately for it.
My life is not perfect, nor am I the person I was four months ago. I still get tired more easily. I still get anxious on occasion — usually feeling nauseous, or experiencing muscle spasms or teeth chattering – in response to certain emotional situations. I am more emotionally sensitive in general. It is all okay. This is a beautiful life.
*Everyone American I know who suffers or has ever suffered from mental illness is having a rough time lately, regardless of the vote they cast. Sending love and solidarity to all of you who are nervous and afraid.
The Panic Button 